1
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:10,726
Good morning.

2
00:00:10,727 --> 00:00:12,327
Henry rejected you.

3
00:00:14,163 --> 00:00:17,032
Eliza, it's
Eliza. Henry rejected you.

4
00:00:17,033 --> 00:00:19,167
Reminder Henry rejected you.

5
00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,138
Henry had rejected me.

6
00:00:23,139 --> 00:00:24,273
It was true.

7
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,174
And the worst part was,

8
00:00:26,175 --> 00:00:27,743
I still had to see him every day.

9
00:00:27,744 --> 00:00:30,579
So, I decided to employ the
techniques of Corynn McWatters,

10
00:00:30,580 --> 00:00:32,047
ambassador of bitchface.

11
00:00:32,048 --> 00:00:34,149
As the most popular girl in 7th grade,

12
00:00:34,150 --> 00:00:37,119
Corynn handled anyone
who threatened her status.

13
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,420
So, instead of crying in the bathroom,

14
00:00:38,421 --> 00:00:40,155
I asked myself, "what would Corynn do?"

15
00:00:40,156 --> 00:00:43,158
Step one, pretend not to see
the individual in question.

16
00:00:49,998 --> 00:00:53,998
Step two, pretend not to hear
the individual in question.

17
00:00:53,999 --> 00:00:56,204
Ooh.

18
00:00:56,205 --> 00:00:57,606
Pardon me.

19
00:00:57,607 --> 00:00:59,341
What was that, Charlie?

20
00:00:59,342 --> 00:01:01,176
That was Henry who...

21
00:01:01,177 --> 00:01:03,111
Come again, Charlie?

22
00:01:03,112 --> 00:01:05,113
Um, I didn't... I didn't say anything.

23
00:01:05,114 --> 00:01:08,717
Oh, well. I must be
hearing things, Charlie.

24
00:01:10,586 --> 00:01:12,254
I think she's mad.

25
00:01:12,255 --> 00:01:14,556
You think?!

26
00:01:14,557 --> 00:01:16,391
And if steps one and two don't work,

27
00:01:16,392 --> 00:01:18,093
screw the junior-high-school tactics

28
00:01:18,094 --> 00:01:19,161
and "Gone Girl" his ass.

29
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:22,030
Oh, he stabbed me! He stabbed me!

30
00:01:22,031 --> 00:01:23,465
Are you out of your mind?

31
00:01:23,466 --> 00:01:25,000
That's what he wants you to think.

32
00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:26,234
Joan, check my diary!

33
00:01:28,605 --> 00:01:30,772
Okay, how
long do you two fools

34
00:01:30,773 --> 00:01:32,240
plan on keeping this up?

35
00:01:32,241 --> 00:01:35,077
In the words of the
prepubescent new edition,

36
00:01:35,078 --> 00:01:37,746
cool it now, please!

37
00:01:37,747 --> 00:01:39,681
No matter what went down,

38
00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:42,117
I know the two of you
still care about each other.

39
00:01:48,123 --> 00:01:49,758
After you, Eliza.

40
00:01:52,293 --> 00:01:53,562
No, thanks! I'll walk!

41
00:01:54,564 --> 00:01:57,099
Oh, my God.

42
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:58,567
She snubbed me!

43
00:01:58,568 --> 00:01:59,601
Did you see that?

44
00:01:59,602 --> 00:02:01,570
She totally snubbed me, did she not?!

45
00:02:01,571 --> 00:02:03,305
It was a snub

46
00:02:03,306 --> 00:02:05,474
because according to Corynn McWatters,

47
00:02:05,475 --> 00:02:07,309
whoever caves first gets cankles,

48
00:02:07,310 --> 00:02:09,478
and I am not getting
cankles because of Henry.

49
00:02:09,479 --> 00:02:13,015
I'm trying to be
mature about this, you know?

50
00:02:13,016 --> 00:02:14,483
I'm trying to foster communication.

51
00:02:14,484 --> 00:02:16,151
I'm trying to make the best

52
00:02:16,152 --> 00:02:17,753
of an admittedly awkward situation.

53
00:02:19,121 --> 00:02:23,558
Well, from now on, Eliza Dooley
can clean up her own messes.

54
00:02:31,233 --> 00:02:33,502
Are you aware
that the building manager

55
00:02:33,503 --> 00:02:37,239
was banging on your door
for 45 minutes this morning?

56
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,475
He finally gave up and started
knocking on Bryn's door.

57
00:02:40,476 --> 00:02:42,077
It pretty much ruined

58
00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:43,478
her "Breakfast at
Tiffany's" themed breakfast.

59
00:02:43,479 --> 00:02:45,587
That she has been planning for nine years.

60
00:02:45,588 --> 00:02:49,190
- Nine.
- I did not chignon my hair for this.

61
00:02:49,191 --> 00:02:51,192
You guys, this is not fair.

62
00:02:51,193 --> 00:02:53,895
Mr. Old Man is always picking on me.

63
00:02:53,896 --> 00:02:56,731
Maybe it's because you
call him Mr. Old Man.

64
00:02:56,732 --> 00:02:58,066
When it's Mr. Oldman.

65
00:02:58,067 --> 00:03:00,635
Or maybe it's because
you're personally responsible

66
00:03:00,636 --> 00:03:02,604
for all of the building's plumbing issues.

67
00:03:02,605 --> 00:03:03,571
It wasn't untrue.

68
00:03:03,572 --> 00:03:04,906
When I go out drinking,

69
00:03:04,907 --> 00:03:06,908
I don't just flush money down the toilet.

70
00:03:06,909 --> 00:03:10,078
These are garbage!

71
00:03:10,079 --> 00:03:12,080
I also flush hosiery.

72
00:03:14,183 --> 00:03:16,251
And cheeseburgers.

73
00:03:18,687 --> 00:03:22,056
Oldman wants an increase
on your security deposit.

74
00:03:22,057 --> 00:03:24,826
- Wha...?
- Not just for the ongoing plumbing issues,

75
00:03:24,827 --> 00:03:26,594
but also for what you did to your walls.

76
00:03:26,595 --> 00:03:28,596
Uh, is that us?!

77
00:03:30,599 --> 00:03:31,933
That was there when I moved in.

78
00:03:31,934 --> 00:03:34,302
He wants to be reimbursed for the damages.

79
00:03:34,303 --> 00:03:35,970
And your rent is due.

80
00:03:35,971 --> 00:03:37,805
And that drawing of my bangs is hurtful.

81
00:03:37,806 --> 00:03:38,940
Whoa!

82
00:03:38,941 --> 00:03:41,309
Whoa, that is a lot to take in all at once.

83
00:03:41,310 --> 00:03:44,612
Maybe it wouldn't be all at
once if you handled your bidness.

84
00:03:44,613 --> 00:03:45,947
Um...

85
00:03:45,948 --> 00:03:48,283
I handle my bidness.

86
00:03:48,284 --> 00:03:51,986
It's just that Mr. Old
Man is super uptight.

87
00:03:53,588 --> 00:03:55,949
And the electric company
is super uptight, too.

88
00:03:55,950 --> 00:04:00,949
Sync and corrections by: kDragon
www.Addic7ed.com

89
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:13,829
Selfie S01E11

90
00:04:15,243 --> 00:04:17,912
Baby... baby headaches, be gone.

91
00:04:17,913 --> 00:04:19,914
Baby headaches, leave.

92
00:04:19,915 --> 00:04:23,551
- Baby headaches, be... Bes... Befell...
- Sir?

93
00:04:23,552 --> 00:04:25,019
Charlie, knock, please.

94
00:04:25,020 --> 00:04:26,554
Were you raised in a barn?

95
00:04:26,555 --> 00:04:28,222
Yes.

96
00:04:28,223 --> 00:04:30,158
- What?
- Yes, I was.

97
00:04:30,159 --> 00:04:33,861
Well, not in a barn, but near a barn.

98
00:04:33,862 --> 00:04:34,862
On a farm.

99
00:04:34,863 --> 00:04:39,267
We grew wheat and also... hops.

100
00:04:41,135 --> 00:04:43,304
Just knock. What do you want?

101
00:04:43,305 --> 00:04:45,907
Uh, saperstein's ready for
your annual performance review.

102
00:04:45,908 --> 00:04:47,909
Yes!

103
00:04:47,910 --> 00:04:49,677
Whoo! Let's do this.

104
00:04:49,678 --> 00:04:50,845
Good luck, sir.

105
00:04:50,846 --> 00:04:53,014
No luck involved, Chuck.

106
00:04:53,015 --> 00:04:56,851
I've received the highest
review score five years running,

107
00:04:56,852 --> 00:04:59,187
never less than a 98%.

108
00:04:59,188 --> 00:05:01,522
Just call me "Henry Potter. "

109
00:05:01,523 --> 00:05:02,857
Why?

110
00:05:02,858 --> 00:05:06,857
Because I make magic
like a workplace wizard.

111
00:05:09,564 --> 00:05:12,200
Actually, don't call me "Henry Potter. "

112
00:05:12,201 --> 00:05:14,569
Hindsight, I really feel like
I would very much dislike it

113
00:05:14,570 --> 00:05:18,306
if people actually started calling me that.

114
00:05:18,307 --> 00:05:20,675
89%?

115
00:05:20,676 --> 00:05:22,143
That can't be right. That's a "B".

116
00:05:22,144 --> 00:05:24,312
That's a... that's a "B".

117
00:05:24,313 --> 00:05:25,613
What am I, hufflepuff?

118
00:05:25,614 --> 00:05:28,216
Don't get hysterical. It's a high "B".

119
00:05:28,217 --> 00:05:29,717
In some state schools,

120
00:05:29,718 --> 00:05:31,753
that might even be considered a B-Plus.

121
00:05:31,754 --> 00:05:34,622
I've never gotten less than
an "A" in my entire life.

122
00:05:34,623 --> 00:05:36,090
Yeah. Yeah.

123
00:05:36,091 --> 00:05:38,092
"A", "B",

124
00:05:38,093 --> 00:05:40,528
"C", "W"...

125
00:05:40,529 --> 00:05:42,130
- "X".
- Sir?

126
00:05:42,131 --> 00:05:44,265
They're just letters, Henry.

127
00:05:44,266 --> 00:05:45,700
And if I were you,

128
00:05:45,701 --> 00:05:47,835
I'd be more concerned about
the negative peer evaluations

129
00:05:47,836 --> 00:05:50,104
that dragged down your
score in the first place.

130
00:05:50,105 --> 00:05:53,574
Negative peer evaluati...

131
00:05:53,575 --> 00:05:57,278
Uh, sir, would you mind
if I took this file home

132
00:05:57,279 --> 00:05:58,546
to review the comments?

133
00:05:58,547 --> 00:06:01,616
I'm sure I can learn
a lot from my... peers.

134
00:06:04,819 --> 00:06:06,320
Charmonique.

135
00:06:06,321 --> 00:06:08,022
It's me, Eliza.

136
00:06:08,023 --> 00:06:09,957
I'm wearing a trucker hat.

137
00:06:09,958 --> 00:06:11,626
I can see that.

138
00:06:11,627 --> 00:06:13,094
Do you have a key to the executive gym?

139
00:06:13,095 --> 00:06:15,797
I had to vacate my premises
unexpectedly this morning.

140
00:06:15,798 --> 00:06:16,931
Vacate your premises?

141
00:06:16,932 --> 00:06:18,633
Mm-hmm. Listen.

142
00:06:18,634 --> 00:06:20,134
My electric's off and my rent's due,

143
00:06:20,135 --> 00:06:21,769
along with an unforeseen security deposit

144
00:06:21,770 --> 00:06:24,005
and a "probably should have
foreseen" plumbing bill.

145
00:06:24,006 --> 00:06:26,274
I know you've been
there, teamCharmonique.

146
00:06:26,275 --> 00:06:28,609
Oh! don't drag team Charmonique into this.

147
00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:29,944
Team Charmonique pays her bills on time.

148
00:06:29,945 --> 00:06:32,113
Therefore, team Charmonique

149
00:06:32,114 --> 00:06:34,248
does not wish to be associated
with some broke-ass...

150
00:06:34,249 --> 00:06:36,250
Hey, I'm not broke. I am not broke.

151
00:06:36,251 --> 00:06:38,286
I just find certain things stressful,

152
00:06:38,287 --> 00:06:40,121
like, bills, invoices, payments,

153
00:06:40,122 --> 00:06:42,256
debits, deposits, withdraws, transfers,

154
00:06:42,257 --> 00:06:44,625
checks, money orders,
money market, savings,

155
00:06:44,626 --> 00:06:46,928
interest, account numbers,
pin numbers, and prime numbers?

156
00:06:46,929 --> 00:06:49,096
Maybe? What are those, again?

157
00:06:49,097 --> 00:06:50,565
Numbers greater than 1

158
00:06:50,566 --> 00:06:52,834
that are divisible only
by themselves and 1.

159
00:06:52,835 --> 00:06:54,702
TeamCharmonique.

160
00:06:54,703 --> 00:06:57,305
Those are fine, but the rest of
that stuff freaks me the freak out.

161
00:06:57,306 --> 00:06:59,140
You know what doesn't seem
to freak you the freak out?

162
00:06:59,141 --> 00:07:00,308
Spending money,

163
00:07:00,309 --> 00:07:03,044
- 'cause those boots look brand-new.
- Oh.

164
00:07:03,045 --> 00:07:04,579
They are.

165
00:07:04,580 --> 00:07:05,680
You are not wrong.

166
00:07:05,681 --> 00:07:08,683
I really do like spending money,

167
00:07:08,684 --> 00:07:10,618
but now my credit cards are maxed,

168
00:07:10,619 --> 00:07:12,019
I've got not cash, and, plus...

169
00:07:12,020 --> 00:07:13,554
I'm homeless.

170
00:07:13,555 --> 00:07:14,956
Mm.

171
00:07:14,957 --> 00:07:16,657
You know whose help you need?

172
00:07:16,658 --> 00:07:19,560
Don't say Steve Harvey.
Please, don't say Steve Harvey.

173
00:07:19,561 --> 00:07:21,028
What? Girl, no!

174
00:07:21,029 --> 00:07:22,897
I'm talking about your boy Henry Potter.

175
00:07:22,898 --> 00:07:24,599
Are people calling him that now?

176
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,234
Spread like wildfire this very morning.

177
00:07:26,235 --> 00:07:27,568
See?

178
00:07:27,569 --> 00:07:29,570
I didn't even know that because
Henry's not my boy anymore.

179
00:07:29,571 --> 00:07:31,072
Things got weird between us,

180
00:07:31,073 --> 00:07:34,208
and so my only recourse is to
ignore him until one of us dies.

181
00:07:34,209 --> 00:07:36,711
Or you could try being a grown woman.

182
00:07:36,712 --> 00:07:38,012
I am a grown woman!

183
00:07:38,013 --> 00:07:40,882
Then go wash your ass and talk to Henry.

184
00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:45,219
HygieneFirst, TeamCharmonique.

185
00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:48,523
Look at this. "A born leader. "

186
00:07:50,091 --> 00:07:51,759
"The consummate professional. "

187
00:07:53,628 --> 00:07:55,897
"Stone-cold stud. "

188
00:07:55,898 --> 00:07:57,565
I'm guessing this one is Larry.

189
00:07:57,566 --> 00:07:58,699
Where is it? Come on.

190
00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:01,669
Ah! Aha!

191
00:08:01,670 --> 00:08:04,071
I knew it. I knew.

192
00:08:04,939 --> 00:08:07,775
It's not my peers who
brought down my average.

193
00:08:07,776 --> 00:08:09,610
It's my peer.

194
00:08:09,611 --> 00:08:12,647
One anonymous peer,

195
00:08:12,648 --> 00:08:16,284
one bitter, "hell hath no
fury like a woman scorned" peer

196
00:08:16,285 --> 00:08:18,553
who gave me an "F" and
called me a bit of a poop.

197
00:08:18,554 --> 00:08:19,921
Who, I ask,

198
00:08:19,922 --> 00:08:23,224
do you suppose would resort
to something so infantine?

199
00:08:23,225 --> 00:08:25,059
I have no idea.

200
00:08:25,060 --> 00:08:27,528
Well, I do.

201
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,002
This stinks of Eliza.

202
00:08:36,466 --> 00:08:38,916
I couldn't go to Henry,

203
00:08:38,917 --> 00:08:40,251
who was convinced I tanked his peer review,

204
00:08:40,252 --> 00:08:41,852
and I couldn't go home, so,
that left me no other choice

205
00:08:41,853 --> 00:08:43,320
than to check into a five-star hotel.

206
00:08:43,321 --> 00:08:45,956
Oh. Declined. Have another?

207
00:08:45,957 --> 00:08:47,258
Okay.

208
00:08:47,259 --> 00:08:49,593
Why don't we try, uh, $10 on a green visa,

209
00:08:49,594 --> 00:08:53,597
$15 on the blue visa, maybe
5 bucks on the mastercard.

210
00:08:53,598 --> 00:08:54,899
Hold on.

211
00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:57,034
Ma'am, you didn't mention

212
00:08:57,035 --> 00:09:00,204
- that you're a double dollar rewards member.
- I am?

213
00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:01,867
You have more rewards points
than anyone I've ever seen.

214
00:09:01,868 --> 00:09:03,187
I do?

215
00:09:03,188 --> 00:09:05,042
You could book the presidential
suite with all these points.

216
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:06,377
Then I will.

217
00:09:06,378 --> 00:09:09,980
Look at me, the first
female president-ial suite.

218
00:09:14,852 --> 00:09:16,954
Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!

219
00:09:16,955 --> 00:09:18,956
Yeah! Baby! Champagne!

220
00:09:26,498 --> 00:09:29,600
After hard-core stressing
out over money I didn't have,

221
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:31,368
it was time to blow off some steam

222
00:09:31,369 --> 00:09:32,970
using money I didn't have.

223
00:09:32,971 --> 00:09:34,138
Cheers.

224
00:09:34,139 --> 00:09:35,472
Cheers.

225
00:09:37,342 --> 00:09:40,010
Shit.

226
00:09:40,011 --> 00:09:42,379
Oh, see? Now, this is
why I don't look at mail.

227
00:09:43,547 --> 00:09:44,915
So much for hotel living.

228
00:09:44,916 --> 00:09:46,116
Much like Lindsay Lohan

229
00:09:46,117 --> 00:09:48,452
when she finally got kicked
out of Ch�teau Marmont,

230
00:09:48,453 --> 00:09:51,121
it was time for me to make
a terrible Liz Taylor biopic

231
00:09:51,122 --> 00:09:52,957
or find some other, less embarrassing way

232
00:09:52,958 --> 00:09:54,959
to raise some cash for Mr. Old Man.

233
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,461
For just $75 cash,

234
00:09:57,462 --> 00:10:00,030
this lightly used Sephora
gift card can be yours.

235
00:10:00,031 --> 00:10:02,266
That's a $50 gift card.

236
00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:03,968
Yes, but I had to factor in labor.

237
00:10:03,969 --> 00:10:06,136
It took me an hour to scrape
this off my car's upholstery

238
00:10:06,137 --> 00:10:09,173
thanks to the pumpkin-spice
latte I spilled on the seat.

239
00:10:09,174 --> 00:10:10,507
Ew! Those have been out of
season for like three months.

240
00:10:10,508 --> 00:10:13,010
How about any of these? DSW?

241
00:10:13,011 --> 00:10:14,311
- Amazon?
- Mnh-mnh.

242
00:10:14,312 --> 00:10:16,914
- Chili's? AMC theaters?
- Mm.

243
00:10:16,915 --> 00:10:19,383
Two pinkberrys away
from getting a free pinkberry...

244
00:10:19,384 --> 00:10:21,452
- At Participating Stores?
- No!

245
00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,287
Look, if you're trying to get
some action on these cards,

246
00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:25,622
you need to offer a discount.

247
00:10:25,623 --> 00:10:27,891
I'll give you 30 bucks
for that $50 Chili's.

248
00:10:27,892 --> 00:10:29,059
Done.

249
00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:31,128
Yes!

250
00:10:32,863 --> 00:10:34,999
What up, sexies?

251
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,200
Hi.

252
00:10:36,201 --> 00:10:37,901
How would you two sexy sexies

253
00:10:37,902 --> 00:10:40,537
like to buy a Talbots gift
card for half its value?

254
00:10:41,505 --> 00:10:43,307
I gave you that Talbots gift card

255
00:10:43,308 --> 00:10:45,309
as a secret Santa gift last Christmas.

256
00:10:47,012 --> 00:10:48,579
Spoiler alert. Linda?

257
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:50,414
- Mnh-mnh. No.
- No?

258
00:10:50,415 --> 00:10:53,050
Well, then, uh, d...
does anyone want to buy

259
00:10:53,051 --> 00:10:57,388
a hot... new, still-in-style trucker hat?

260
00:10:59,923 --> 00:11:01,125
No? Fine.

261
00:11:01,126 --> 00:11:03,961
Well, um, swing by my desk later.

262
00:11:03,962 --> 00:11:07,264
I'm having a bake sale. Whoa. Bake sale.

263
00:11:07,265 --> 00:11:11,402
Bake sale? Is that a euphemism?

264
00:11:11,403 --> 00:11:13,337
I'm not sure.

265
00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:15,906
Raj, I just need you to confirm.

266
00:11:15,907 --> 00:11:18,008
It was Eliza Dooley who
wrote that remark about me,

267
00:11:18,009 --> 00:11:19,009
was it not?

268
00:11:19,010 --> 00:11:22,146
Henry, I'm sorry. I would like to help you.

269
00:11:22,147 --> 00:11:24,181
But the evaluation must remain anonymous.

270
00:11:24,182 --> 00:11:26,016
Come on, Raj.

271
00:11:26,017 --> 00:11:29,219
It's just you and me
here. You're a smart man.

272
00:11:29,220 --> 00:11:30,621
I know you'll do the right thing.

273
00:11:30,622 --> 00:11:33,991
Henry, I believe you're
trying to intimidate me.

274
00:11:33,992 --> 00:11:35,926
I would report you to H.R.

275
00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:38,595
But unfortunately, in
this case, that is me.

276
00:11:38,596 --> 00:11:40,264
Raj...

277
00:11:40,265 --> 00:11:42,900
If it was Eliza, you just say it's Eliza.

278
00:11:48,106 --> 00:11:50,107
You are very persuasive,

279
00:11:50,108 --> 00:11:53,110
but I cannot break the tenets
of the human-resources oath.

280
00:11:53,111 --> 00:11:55,379
There's a human-resources oath?

281
00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:58,916
On my honor, as a human-resources officer,

282
00:11:58,917 --> 00:12:02,119
do I promise to provide an
equal-opportunity workplace,

283
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,254
free of discrimination, harassment,

284
00:12:04,255 --> 00:12:05,355
and the divulgement

285
00:12:05,356 --> 00:12:07,191
of confidential personal information.

286
00:12:07,192 --> 00:12:08,859
If I should breaketh such laws,

287
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:11,428
may my lips wither and turn to dust.

288
00:12:11,429 --> 00:12:14,832
Well, it sounds like
there's some wiggle room.

289
00:12:14,833 --> 00:12:15,966
Never mind.

290
00:12:16,968 --> 00:12:18,335
'Twasn't her.

291
00:12:21,004 --> 00:12:21,972
What was that?

292
00:12:21,973 --> 00:12:26,043
'Twas not Eliza.

293
00:12:27,111 --> 00:12:28,979
Damn it.

294
00:12:31,415 --> 00:12:32,916
Eliza?

295
00:12:32,917 --> 00:12:34,318
Hmm? What are you doing in my office?

296
00:12:34,319 --> 00:12:36,019
Are you wearing pajamas?

297
00:12:36,020 --> 00:12:37,121
Are you drinking peaches?

298
00:12:38,288 --> 00:12:40,424
- Are you living here now?
- No!

299
00:12:40,425 --> 00:12:41,925
I'm not.

300
00:12:41,926 --> 00:12:43,894
These aren't pajamas. This is lounge wear.

301
00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:45,028
I'm lounging...

302
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:47,631
before I head off to the lounge,

303
00:12:47,632 --> 00:12:51,631
which is a new club/lounge
where everyone, like...

304
00:12:51,632 --> 00:12:53,537
Brings their own canned goods.

305
00:12:54,938 --> 00:12:57,474
Okay, I live here now.

306
00:13:03,012 --> 00:13:05,014
This bill is in collections.

307
00:13:05,015 --> 00:13:05,982
Sorry.

308
00:13:05,983 --> 00:13:07,316
It's for $20.

309
00:13:07,317 --> 00:13:08,317
Oh!

310
00:13:08,318 --> 00:13:11,053
- I have $20. I have that.
- Look, Eliza,

311
00:13:11,054 --> 00:13:13,156
the late fees are triple the
original cost of the bill.

312
00:13:13,157 --> 00:13:14,223
You sullied your credit

313
00:13:14,224 --> 00:13:15,858
not because you didn't have the money...

314
00:13:15,859 --> 00:13:17,093
But because I didn't open my mail.

315
00:13:17,094 --> 00:13:18,928
Right.

316
00:13:18,929 --> 00:13:21,264
Your grandmother wishes
you a Merry Christmas,

317
00:13:21,265 --> 00:13:23,933
- with $20 inside.
- Hmm.

318
00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:25,067
Too little, too late, grandma.

319
00:13:25,068 --> 00:13:26,369
Okay.

320
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,204
We're gonna have to set
you up with a proper budget.

321
00:13:28,205 --> 00:13:30,106
Where would you say the
bulk of your income goes?

322
00:13:30,107 --> 00:13:32,942
Just, like...

323
00:13:32,943 --> 00:13:36,546
Uh, Zappos, Amazon, Gilt...

324
00:13:36,547 --> 00:13:39,015
- All right...
- Net-a-Porter, StyleBop, ShopBop...

325
00:13:39,016 --> 00:13:41,517
- Eliza...
- Piperlime, fab. com, justfab. com...

326
00:13:41,518 --> 00:13:43,519
- Good God...
- Sephora, BlueFly,

327
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,421
as well as cupping,
leeching, elbow bleaching,

328
00:13:45,422 --> 00:13:47,490
and that procedure where
little fish eat dead skin

329
00:13:47,491 --> 00:13:49,158
from all over my body.

330
00:13:49,159 --> 00:13:50,593
What am I gonna do with you?

331
00:13:50,594 --> 00:13:52,929
You're not mad at me anymore.

332
00:13:52,930 --> 00:13:55,097
I would say I'm... I'm, um...

333
00:13:55,098 --> 00:13:57,066
- I'm disappointed.
- Yes,

334
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:59,235
but in the normal way that
you're always disappointed.

335
00:13:59,236 --> 00:14:00,970
I can tell you're not mad at me anymore.

336
00:14:00,971 --> 00:14:02,838
Oh, I know you didn't write that review,

337
00:14:02,839 --> 00:14:05,942
and I'm sorry for assuming
it was you because...

338
00:14:07,376 --> 00:14:08,844
because we, uh...

339
00:14:10,012 --> 00:14:12,381
Because I...

340
00:14:12,382 --> 00:14:14,884
Apology accepted.

341
00:14:16,485 --> 00:14:18,487
Right, so we will deal with

342
00:14:18,488 --> 00:14:21,424
your building manager and your
lack of electricity tomorrow.

343
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:23,259
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh for tonight, you can stay at my place.

344
00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:26,162
Your place?

345
00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:30,680
I'll s... be staying at Julia's.

346
00:14:30,681 --> 00:14:33,182
Of course. That's great.

347
00:14:33,183 --> 00:14:36,185
I get your place all to myself.

348
00:14:36,186 --> 00:14:37,586
Which means I can just walk around naked

349
00:14:37,587 --> 00:14:39,522
and put my butt on every single
piece of furniture you own.

350
00:14:40,524 --> 00:14:42,158
J.K.

351
00:14:42,159 --> 00:14:44,660
I won't put my butt on all
your stuff. Don't worry.

352
00:14:44,661 --> 00:14:46,028
That's very kind of you.

353
00:14:46,029 --> 00:14:47,530
You're a real class act.

354
00:14:47,531 --> 00:14:49,598
I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.

355
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:54,203
I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.

356
00:14:58,575 --> 00:15:01,110
All
right. Thank you very much.

357
00:15:20,684 --> 00:15:21,751
Hi.

358
00:15:21,752 --> 00:15:23,086
Stop snooping through my things.

359
00:15:26,156 --> 00:15:29,292
Okay. Sorry.

360
00:15:29,293 --> 00:15:31,277
Do you have hidden cameras
in here or something?

361
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,930
Stop waving. There are no
hidden cameras. I just know you.

362
00:15:33,931 --> 00:15:35,832
Turndown service?

363
00:15:35,833 --> 00:15:38,001
Uh, no, thank you.

364
00:15:38,002 --> 00:15:40,603
Who was that?

365
00:15:40,604 --> 00:15:43,606
That was Julia...

366
00:15:43,607 --> 00:15:45,875
pretending to be a hotel maid...

367
00:15:45,876 --> 00:15:46,943
Huh.

368
00:15:46,944 --> 00:15:48,378
Asking if I wanted turndown service.

369
00:15:48,379 --> 00:15:51,214
Um...

370
00:15:51,215 --> 00:15:53,383
She's into role-playing...

371
00:15:53,384 --> 00:15:54,818
kind of a super freak.

372
00:15:54,819 --> 00:15:56,753
Anyhoo, time to start having sex.

373
00:16:01,658 --> 00:16:03,993
Sounds good.

374
00:16:03,994 --> 00:16:05,695
I'll see you at work tomorrow.

375
00:16:06,664 --> 00:16:09,199
Whoo!

376
00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:13,236
Huh? What? Are you doing here?

377
00:16:13,237 --> 00:16:15,371
I could ask you the same thing.

378
00:16:15,372 --> 00:16:17,240
I don't know why I'm surprised.

379
00:16:17,241 --> 00:16:18,741
I should have known Henry would move on

380
00:16:18,742 --> 00:16:20,276
to your coltish, titian-haired delights.

381
00:16:20,277 --> 00:16:21,811
- What?
- Here.

382
00:16:21,812 --> 00:16:24,147
Please see that he gets his waterpik.

383
00:16:24,148 --> 00:16:26,316
I wouldn't want Henry's gums to be any...

384
00:16:27,784 --> 00:16:28,785
less tight.

385
00:16:42,398 --> 00:16:44,868
Ahh.
Whoa!

386
00:16:44,869 --> 00:16:45,869
Ahh.

387
00:16:45,870 --> 00:16:48,371
Wow! My bills are so beautiful!

388
00:16:48,372 --> 00:16:51,708
It's like an office-supply
store meets a magical rainbow.

389
00:16:51,709 --> 00:16:53,676
Nothing magical here.
It's just office supplies.

390
00:16:53,677 --> 00:16:55,178
But what about this...

391
00:16:55,179 --> 00:16:58,248
Sparkling bag of treasure?

392
00:16:58,249 --> 00:17:00,717
These are brads.

393
00:17:00,718 --> 00:17:02,752
Now, I've spoken to Mr. Old Man,

394
00:17:02,753 --> 00:17:04,921
who incidentally is 43 years of age,

395
00:17:04,922 --> 00:17:08,258
and he has agreed to a
monthly-installment plan

396
00:17:08,259 --> 00:17:10,927
that is far less than what you
spend on eye-makeup remover.

397
00:17:10,928 --> 00:17:14,297
Also, you spent too much
on eye-makeup remover.

398
00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:19,002
Thank you, Henry.

399
00:17:20,103 --> 00:17:23,072
I guess you really
know what a mess I am now.

400
00:17:23,073 --> 00:17:25,608
Nah, you're just in your 20s.

401
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:26,876
It wasn't that long ago that I was

402
00:17:26,877 --> 00:17:29,379
- subject to my own fiscal foibles.
- Really?

403
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:30,713
Let's just say there's a blockbuster

404
00:17:30,714 --> 00:17:32,215
in Ann Arbor, Michigan,
that is still wondering

405
00:17:32,216 --> 00:17:34,817
what happened to their
only copy of "Scream 2."

406
00:17:36,754 --> 00:17:39,622
Well, uh, thank you.

407
00:17:39,623 --> 00:17:40,390
Thank you.

408
00:17:40,391 --> 00:17:43,259
This means...

409
00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:44,928
A lot.

410
00:17:44,929 --> 00:17:47,263
You're most welcome.

411
00:17:47,264 --> 00:17:49,232
Spread the word around
the office, would you?

412
00:17:49,233 --> 00:17:51,334
I'm not really a bit of a poop, after all.

413
00:17:52,670 --> 00:17:55,071
"Bit of a poop. "
That's what Charlie calls you.

414
00:17:55,072 --> 00:17:56,739
He does?

415
00:17:56,740 --> 00:18:00,376
Well, yeah, but not a full poop,

416
00:18:00,377 --> 00:18:02,212
just, like, a bit of a poop.

417
00:18:03,947 --> 00:18:06,649
That piece of shit.

418
00:18:08,117 --> 00:18:10,954
Isn't it pretty?

419
00:18:10,955 --> 00:18:13,790
And Mr. Middle-Aged man is on
automatic debit thanks to Henry,

420
00:18:13,791 --> 00:18:15,758
so I won't forget to pay
and be homeless again.

421
00:18:15,759 --> 00:18:17,393
Hey, homeless Eliza was hot.

422
00:18:19,063 --> 00:18:21,231
Mm.

423
00:18:21,232 --> 00:18:22,665
Um...

424
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:26,836
why didn't you offer
to let me stay with you?

425
00:18:26,837 --> 00:18:28,137
What?

426
00:18:28,138 --> 00:18:29,239
When I was homeless

427
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,341
and staying at the presidential suite,

428
00:18:31,342 --> 00:18:33,710
why didn't you offer for
me to come stay with you?

429
00:18:33,711 --> 00:18:35,678
You wanted to stay with me?

430
00:18:35,679 --> 00:18:37,313
Well, I mean, it would have been nice

431
00:18:37,314 --> 00:18:40,250
not to use up all my rewards points.

432
00:18:40,251 --> 00:18:43,086
Hey, I would have been happy
for you to stay with me, okay?

433
00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:45,255
But I guarantee you, if I offered,

434
00:18:45,256 --> 00:18:46,923
you would have just
freaked out and dumped me.

435
00:18:46,924 --> 00:18:48,625
Anytime I try to get serious with you,

436
00:18:48,626 --> 00:18:50,193
y... you pull away from me.

437
00:18:51,862 --> 00:18:53,663
I do?

438
00:18:56,066 --> 00:18:57,600
Look, if it were up to me,

439
00:18:57,601 --> 00:18:59,736
you'd be staying at my place
every night of the week.

440
00:19:01,639 --> 00:19:04,173
Like... Permanently.

441
00:19:04,174 --> 00:19:05,742
Like "Boxing Helena" style?

442
00:19:05,743 --> 00:19:06,876
No.

443
00:19:06,877 --> 00:19:08,611
Don't want to cut off your limbs

444
00:19:08,612 --> 00:19:10,613
and put you in a box under my bed.

445
00:19:12,616 --> 00:19:15,652
I just want to be around
you as much as possible.

446
00:19:17,688 --> 00:19:19,722
Did I just scare you off?

447
00:19:33,202 --> 00:19:35,204
TeamFreddy.

448
00:19:42,690 --> 00:19:43,991
Good morning, Charlie.

449
00:19:46,027 --> 00:19:49,030
Mini marshmallows. Your favorite, right?

450
00:19:49,031 --> 00:19:50,732
Go ahead. Drink up.

451
00:19:50,733 --> 00:19:52,266
Huh? Anything else you need?

452
00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:53,434
Would you like a breakfast pastry?

453
00:19:53,435 --> 00:19:54,736
How about a back rub?

454
00:19:54,737 --> 00:19:58,206
Sir, I'm sorry about the "F".

455
00:19:58,207 --> 00:20:01,709
I was having a bad day. I'm better now.

456
00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:04,011
Can you stop being so nice to me?

457
00:20:04,012 --> 00:20:05,179
I hate it.

458
00:20:05,180 --> 00:20:07,949
Yeah, I hate it, too.

459
00:20:07,950 --> 00:20:10,284
It's not right.

460
00:20:10,285 --> 00:20:14,021
Clean up these filthy
marshmallows, would you?

461
00:20:14,022 --> 00:20:15,723
I'm not the one who spilled them.

462
00:20:15,724 --> 00:20:17,825
Charlie, I entreat!

463
00:20:19,394 --> 00:20:21,896
He's back.

464
00:20:21,897 --> 00:20:23,698
So...

465
00:20:23,699 --> 00:20:25,833
What are you and midge up to this weekend?

466
00:20:25,834 --> 00:20:26,868
Midge?

467
00:20:26,869 --> 00:20:28,870
Your pocket pal. Your tiny dancer.

468
00:20:28,871 --> 00:20:30,171
Julia.

469
00:20:30,172 --> 00:20:32,206
Oh. Um...

470
00:20:32,207 --> 00:20:34,142
I don't know. We're probably
just gonna play it by ear.

471
00:20:34,143 --> 00:20:35,643
Why don't the two of you
come over to my place?

472
00:20:35,644 --> 00:20:37,812
- Oh, no, no. I think she's on call.
- But we could watch a movie

473
00:20:37,813 --> 00:20:42,150
like "The Break-up," or
"He's... just not that into you. "

474
00:20:43,718 --> 00:20:46,220
How did you find out?

475
00:20:46,221 --> 00:20:48,656
I read your journal.

476
00:20:48,657 --> 00:20:51,759
- What?! That's a clear violation of my personal
- J. K., Henry. J.K.

477
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,695
Now I know you journal.

478
00:20:54,696 --> 00:20:56,030
Journal's not a verb.

479
00:20:56,031 --> 00:20:57,698
I don't journal. I keep a journal.

480
00:20:57,699 --> 00:21:00,168
I'm sorry things didn't
work out with Julia.

481
00:21:00,169 --> 00:21:02,737
Thank you.

482
00:21:02,738 --> 00:21:06,240
Well, I mean, it is
completely understandable.

483
00:21:07,276 --> 00:21:09,677
Let me guess more height jokes?

484
00:21:09,678 --> 00:21:10,912
No.

485
00:21:10,913 --> 00:21:12,413
No, I would never want to belittle Julia.

486
00:21:12,414 --> 00:21:15,650
Because she already "be little" herself?

487
00:21:16,752 --> 00:21:19,787
Would you say she has a short temper?

488
00:21:19,788 --> 00:21:22,690
You are 7 years old. You
do know that, don't you?

489
00:21:22,691 --> 00:21:27,525
Selfie S01E11

490
00:21:27,575 --> 00:21:32,125
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0